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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went
for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking
around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole,
tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her
head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers. Two holes further on the Irishman's wife
caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the
ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing
any knickers either!
The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!" |
An avid golfer sent his wife to the county
club golf pro for golf lessons. After many lessons, she wasn't doing anything
correctly, and couldn't hit the ball more than 25 yards.
The pro was frustrated and didn't know what else to do, so he said "Lady I want you to grab the club like you grab your husband's penis and swing the club at the golf ball." She grabbed the club like she grabs her husband's penis, swung, and the ball flew 200 yards right down the middle. The pro tees another ball, she swings and it goes 225 yards, straight as an arrow. The pro shakes his head and says, "That's terrific lady, but this time take the club out of your mouth and use your hands." |
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The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday
morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early
spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" |
A group of golfers were searching for one
of there golf balls out in the deep rough. After several minutes of laboring,
the golfer who sliced his ball out into the trash declares he has found
his ball, inciting another in his group to scream, "He is a damn liar!
I have his ball in my pocket!"
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Tina warned George as he left early for
the club "Don't be late home, we are due to leave for the Armstrongs party
at six and we can't be late again" Well, George finished his game in plenty
of time and was leisurely driving home when at the side of the road he
saw a young pretty damsel in distress. Ever the gentleman he stopped to
see if he could help. She had a blown tire which ultimately George was
able to change.
"Thank you so much," said the young lady, "but you are now so dirty , would you care to come back to my apartment to clean up--I live just around the corner?" George checked the time. It was only 2:30 and he was rather filthy so he thanked her and accepted. When he came out of the bathroom, the young lady, clad in "something more comfortable" offered George a glass of wine "The least I could do," said she. One glass turned into another and finally the two ended up in bed! George woke with a start, checked his watch & was horrified to see it was 5:45 . No way would he even be home by six. When he finally arrived home some 30 minutes later he was met by an irate Tina . George, who had never lapsed in his life, decided he could only apologize and proceeded to tell his wife the entire story, start to inevitable finish. "YOU BLOODY LIAR," yelled Tina, "YOU PLAYED ANOTHER 9 HOLES!!!!" |
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop
and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I
can't find any green golf balls,''
The blonde golfer replies.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through
all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that
sure enough, there are no greengolf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door
in disgust, the pro asks her,
"Before you go, could you tell me why you
want green golf balls?''
"Well obviously, because they would be
so much easier to find in the sand traps!!''
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During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor
emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands
need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the
room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a
bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
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The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.'' |
One day a man and his wife went golfing,
as they frequently did together.
They arrived at the 12th hole where the husband promptly hit a tremendous slice that ended up behind an old barn. 'I guess I will just have to play safe and chip onto the fairway,' said the man. 'No wait', replied the wife, who went up to the barn and opened the large doors. 'You can hit the ball through the barn.' The man decided to give it a try. But he sliced the ball, which ricocheted off the barn and struck his wife in the head, killing her instantly. The man was distraught and wallowed in his misery for many weeks, depriving himself of golf the whole time. Eventually he realized that he must face his demons and headed out to the very same golf course to play. Once again he found himself at the 12th hole and once again he hit a slice right behind the very same barn. As he was preparing to hit out safely to the fairway one of the other players in his foursome remarked, 'Why not try and hit it thought the barn?' 'Oh no,' replied the man. 'I tried that last time.' 'What happened?' 'I shot an 8!' |
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF,
BUT AREN'T!
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7. Look at the size of his putter 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1. Hold on...I need to wash my balls first |
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A golfer visited his parish priest, visibly
upset.
"What's the problem my son?" asked the priest. "Father. Yesterday, the most horrific thing happened to me and I am in need of divine consolation." "You had better tell me about it my son" said the priest. "Well father. I awoke yesterday and the sun was shining and the birds were singing. There wasn't a breath of wind or a cloud in the sky. It was a perfect day to play a round of golf. I felt fantastic. I knew that this was THE DAY when I would finally crack 100. So my wife and phoned our two best friends and we decided to play a round of golf at our favorite course." "And what then my son?." "Well father, from the very first shot I was on fire. I hit a birdie. From there on I couldn't do a thing wrong. At the Thirteenth I hit another birdie for a total score of 45. So that meant that I was well on track to achieve my ambition of breaking 100." "And what then my son?" "Then, father, it happened. It was horrible." "What happened my son?" "My wife was so excited for me that she suddenly gasped for air and clutched at her chest and collapsed onto the ground, dead from a heart attack." "And what then my son?" "My friends are both qualified first aid attendants father, and even I have done a first aid course. We all tried our utmost to revive her. But it was no use. My wife of thirty years was dead. Oh God father, it was terrible. The most awful day of my life." "So what happened then my son?" Enquired the priest. "Well father" he replied, sobbing uncontrollably. "I finished up shooting 105." |
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