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GOLF JOKES
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A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her Golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
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A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it's like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And..." pried the doctor.
"Well, that's when I made my mistake... I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses, 'This one here looks like yours!"
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Al and Dave were out for their daily round of golf. Upon reaching the 9th hole Al noticed two women up ahead. They were going considerably faster than the women but they decided to stay where they were. The two lads stayed there until the 14th until Dave said "I'll go up and ask if we can pass them." Al noticed then that as Dave neared the women he jumped behind a bush.
Perplexed Al walks up to Dave and asks "What is wrong?" "One of those women is my wife and the other is my lover," says Dave.
Al says that he'll ask them. 5 minutes later Al jumps behind the bush saying "Small world isn't it!!!!!"
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One day this avid golfer returns from a game looking very down and dejected. He wife says, "What's wrong, dear, you look awful?"
"It was terrible! Bob had a heart attack on the tenth green today and died on the spot."
"How terrible for you. No wonder you feel the way you do, it must have been just awful!"
"It sure was," he continued, "the whole rest of the day it was hit a shot, drag Bob, hit a shot, drag Bob..."
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!
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A guy was out playing golf and on the 9th hole, he got a hole in one. He reached into the cup to get his ball and up popped a Genie. The Genie said "I'm the 'hole in one' Genie. I can grant you one wish. What will it be?" The guy thinks for a while and then tells the Genie "I've always wanted to be well endowed." The Genie replied "so you will be" and poof, the Genie is gone. The guy continues onto the back nine. By the time he reaches the 18th hole, his penis is almost dragging on the ground. He thinks, this is great, but I can't go around with my penis dragging on the ground, so he decides to play another round to try to get another hole in one. No luck. The next day he plays three rounds. Again with no luck. He then proceeds to play 72 holes everyday. This goes on for six weeks until he finally gets another hole in one. As he reached into the cup to get his ball, up popped the Genie. The Genie said "I'm the 'hole in one' Genie. I can grant you one wish. What will it be?" The guy says "yeah, I know", and then goes on to explain his situation. The Genie says, "you made another hole in one, I can grant you one more wish. What will it be?" The guy tells the Genie "give me longer legs!"
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A "Drop Dead Gorgeous" Blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her Golf Lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway."That was a good shot" said the Blonde. "Not Bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "What do you mean ?" said the Blonde. "I have a Glass eye" said the golfer. "I don't believe you, Show me" said the Blonde, and he popped his eye out and showed her.
The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot" said the Blonde. "Not Bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "What's wrong with you ?" said the Blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm" said the golfer.
"I don't believe you, Show me" said the Blonde, and so he screwed his arm off and showed her.The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot" said the Blonde. "Not Bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "What's wrong with you ?" said the Blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg" said the golfer.
"I don't believe you, Show me" said the Blonde, and so he screwed his leg off and showed her.The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot" said the Blonde. "Not Bad considering my impediment" said the golfer.
"What's wrong with you ?" said the Blonde. "I have an artificial heart" said the golfer. "I don't believe you, Show me" said the blonde."I can't show you out here in the open" said the golfer "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop". As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up. As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.
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Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
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A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it.The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short ... into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.
One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said: WAIT ... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL. He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him FINALLY achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: WAIT ... STEP BACK ... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING. So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out again: TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING. He did.
Silence followed.
Then the voice spoke out again: PUT BACK THE OLD BALL.
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This hacker went up to a club pro and challenged him to 18 holes of golf for $100 with one catch - the Hacker gets two "Gotcha's".
The club pro, with his attitude, said, "No problem. Whatever the heck 'Gotcha's' are, I'll still kick your behind all over the course.
After the round, the two walked in as a stunned clubhouse watched the club pro pay the hacker $100. They asked the pro how it happened.
He remarked, "Well, when I was teeing off on the first hole, right in the middle of my backswing, he reached between my legs, grabbed my balls and yelled 'Gotcha!' And if you had any idea what it is like playing 18 holes waiting for the second Gotcha..."
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A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every day he would spend about 3 hours out on the course, playing a round by himself. When he would return to the club house, the resident pro would inquire about his score.
"Ed, how'd you shoot today?",
to which the man would *always* reply,
"Another perfect par."
The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the old man was shooting straight par every day, but since he was a
regular customer, he didn't want to insult the man by accusing him of
lying.
Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily round, just to see for himself. On the first tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the rough. He found his ball, but his second shot was even worse. Finally putting it into the first hole (a par 4) took him 8 swings.
The golf pro thought to himself "I knew it. This old geezer's been lying
all this time. There is no way he is gonna shoot anywhere near par."
They continued on, and the old man's game stayed the same, never once getting a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The old man actually hit it straight down the middle - It was the best shot he had made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his ball, picked it up, and began walking back to the clubhouse.
The pro was confused.
"Hey, that was a great shot. Where are you going now?"
"Oh, I'm done." The old man replied with a smile, "That shot was number 72 ...Another perfect par!"
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Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on Earth. The course they were on had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.
"Ah no, Moses, I think I can do it," explained Jesus. "I've seen Arnold
Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."
Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed
into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve
his ball. Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.
"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer do it, and if he
can do it, then so can I."
True to form, however, Jesus' ball ended up back in the water. Moses
parted the water, and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.
"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like, but I'm not parting
the water for you again."
"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus. "But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."
Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it. Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw Jesus walking on the water.
"Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses. "Who does that guy think he is,
Jesus Christ?"
"No, that IS Jesus Christ" said Moses, rolling his eyes. "But he THINKS
he's Arnold Palmer."
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Kristi and Toby had been married for fifty years and played golf
together every Saturday.
One day while out on the course, Toby said to Kristi, "Honey, there has been something bothering me all these years that I'd like to get off my chest before I die. You remember when we were first married and I had
that pretty young secretary working for me? Well, I had an affair with
her. But it was only one time, that was many years ago and I have been
faithful to you ever since."
Kristi replied, "Toby, there is something bothering me which I need to
tell you. Three years before I met you, I had a sex change operation."
Toby was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could you have never told me this? . . . and all these years you've been hitting from the ladies tees !!!"
CLICK HERE FOR GOLF JOKES - Page 2
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